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At Loveawake.com, we pride ourselves on providing services for the common folk. Advice, humor, insight, pipe, wisdom, criticism…like your friendly neighborhood pusha, we have everything you need.

In the past couple months, the champ has gone out quite a few times for, ummmm, “research“, to examine common clubbing behaviors. what he found surprised, shocked, aroused, and amazed him, especially the vast number of faux pas he witnessed every night.

So, as another service, I had decided to provide a few tips on how to act when youre out, your bar-hopping behavior, your nightclub decorum, your parking lot protocol.

He’s not saying that you hafta follow these to a t, but it would be wise to listen if you want to get into heaven.

1. Yes, women. regardless of how aggressively uncute or swaggerless the guy might be, if he buys you a drink you owe him at least 90 seconds of conversation…unless, of course, he begins the convo by saying “this martini is dry, isn’t it? you know what i bet is the exact opposite? your pu**y”.

2. Fellas, remember, female bartenders are like strippers. she’s nice to you because she wants a bigger tip…just not the tip you have in mind.

3. it is perfectly okay to just go behind a woman and start grinding if any of the following music is playing:

Any dancehall reggae or soca.

Any bass music.

Any rap produced by any of the following people: lil john, mannie fresh, luke, swiss beats, scott storch, dr. dre, or just blaze.

Any song that could very easily be found on one of your college boning mixtapes.

Ladies, if any of these songs come on and you just want to dance with your girls, sit your prissy asses at the bar and grind on the stools

4. Fellas, if you ask a woman to dance and she declines, dont ask again, and definitely don’t just stand behind her and wait for the song change to hopefully change her mind. find someone else, you f*cking lame

5. Everyone gets one “i’ve had waaaaaaaaaay too much to drink, and, if my crew doesn’t step in i’m probably going to end the night either in jail or with an std” mulligan per every 9 months. Just one. After this, your crew doesn’t have any more babysitting obligations.

6. Fellas, its probably not a good idea to be noticeably hard before you even dance with the chick. Getting noticeably hard during your personal grind session? well, like sexual harassment charges, this basically depends on how attractive you are.

7. If approaching a group (three or more) of women to offer drinks, you must either only buy a drink for the one youre specifically interested in, or the entire crew. No inbetweens.

this…

“Bartender, get these three right here whatever they want, and the other one, ummm, hmmmm. do you have any free corn chips or anything for her?

…isn’t cool. funny, but uncool.

I know i’m missing a ton. Falks, would you mind helping a smart brotha out? What else should be on the list?